sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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