Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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