as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
