I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
