So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
