I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
