I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
