its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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