Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
