8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
