I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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