I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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