I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I said "one day" and that day is not today
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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