Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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