There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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