Barsexuality is the new black.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
