How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
