Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
