I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
