i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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