Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
