Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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