our cab driver is having phone sex.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
