a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
