She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
