wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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