I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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