cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
