So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
