Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
