i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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