On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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