His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
