i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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