someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
