I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
