I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
