my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He passed out mid-signature
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
