New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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