Now he's lighting his socks on fire
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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