Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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