I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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