I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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