His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
