If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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