I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
