Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
