He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why are your pants in the freezer?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
