i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
