I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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